Best supporting actor: The nominees are Jim Broadbent as the gay lover of media tycoon Rupert Murdoch in "Iris"; Ethan Hawke as Hamlet in "Training Day"; Ben Kingsley as the pacifist Hindu gangster "Sexy Beast"; Sir Ian MacKellen as the semitic jeweler Gandolph in "The Lord of the Rings"; and Jon Voight as obnoxious broadcaster Bob Costas in "Ali". My pick: Ian MacKellen wins it because he's English, gay and will use his mighty sorcerous and magnetic powers to influence the judging.

Best supporting actress: The nominees are Jennifer Connelly as Beautiful in "A Beautiful Mind"; Helen Mirren as His Wife in "Gosford Park"; Maggie Smith as the upper-class English female aristocrat that isn't portrayed by Helen Mirren in "Gosford Park"; Marisa Tomei as a sassy Brooklyn-based hoor in "In the Bedroom"; and Kate Winslet as the frequently naked British author Iris MacCulloch in "Iris". My pick: As fine as the other performances were, I can't vote against a naked Kate Winslet.

Best actor: The nominees are Russell Crowe as Albert Einstein in "A Beautiful Mind"; Sean Penn as the loveable retard Albert Berkowitz in "I am Sam"; Will Smith as the black Muslim cowboy fighter pilot in "Ali"; Denzel Washington as Othello in "Training Day"; and Tom Wilkinson as the end table in "In the Bedroom". My pick: The academy is ready to hand out its second Best Actor Oscar in 75 years to a Negro, and Denzel Washington perfectly fits the bill as a thuggish, jive-talking drug dealer.

Best actress: Halle Berry as the love interest in "Monsters Ball"; Judi Dench as the love interest in "Iris"; Nicole Kidman as the love interest in "Moulin Rouge"; Sissy Spacek as the cantankerous old broad in "In the Bedroom"; and Renee Zellweger as the love interest in "Bridget Jones' Diary". My pick: The voters will go against type and give the statuette to Nicole Kidman.

Best picture: "A Beautiful Mind", the story of a delightfully racist lunatic who helps America win the war with the power of his beautiful mind; "In the Bedroom", a big-budget, star-studded full-vag-pen porn film from the Dark Brothers; "The Lord of the Rings", a historical drama about the righteous persecution of the grasping, sinister Jews by noble European Christians; "Moulin Rouge", performed by the Melachrino Strings Orchestra; and "Gosford Park", a far-flung, bizarre sci-fi fantasy about a nation under the grips of an alien social process known as "the class system". My pick: an incredibly strong field, but Hollywood has never been able to resist a good ass-fucking three-way. "In the Bedroom" wins in a rout.

Quote of the Day: "It's hard not to write satire." (Juvenal)