As the Years Go By
by Anne Rose
As the Years Go Byby Anne Rose |
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Taya stormed into their quarters, just ahead of Janeway, who followed resolutely. Taya flung herself onto the couch. "You just see me as an inconvenience! You've always seen me that way."
"Lately, young lady, it seems to me you're doing everything you can to make that the truth. What exactly is your problem?" Janeway said, trying to remain calm, but the color in her face gave away her true state.
"You! You're my problem! I never get to do anything I want. I would think you and dad would want to let me have some fun sometimes. After all, you stranded us here and trapped me on this tiny ship, thousands of light-years from home," Taya accused. She watched the veins stand out on her mother's neck and knew she had struck a nerve.
"Oh yes, here we go again. So you'd rather never have been born, than to live your life on this ship." Janeway hissed. "Well I've got news for you Taya, this ship is a whole lot better life than many children get. Maybe I should have one of the Bajorans tell you about growing up in a labor camp. Or your father can tell you about what's it's like to grow up as a Kazon."
Taya didn't respond, she just glared at her mother.
"I may be your mother, but I'm also your captain. Make no mistake, young lady! If an adult member of this crew had pulled that stunt, they'd be reconsidering the wisdom of their actions in the brig." Janeway ranted on, not caring at this point if she was making sense. "Maybe that's what I should do. Treat you like an adult, like you claim you want?
"You'd throw me in the brig?" Taya gasped. "Fine, I don't care!" She crossed her arms violently and turned away. "At least the Bajorans and Kazons' mothers wanted them," she muttered.
Janeway spun around and advanced on the girl. Before she could reach her, Chakotay emerged from his study and stepped between them. "Taya, go to your room for a while and cool off while I talk to your mother."
Taya stalked out of the room. The door to her room quietly swooshed closed behind her. How she longed for the doors she'd see in Tom's movies.
Janeway glared at Chakotay. "I don't know what to do with her. She's so irrational, and moody. Every little thing is a crisis of galactic proportions. I can't have her stirring up trouble all the time and dragging me away from ship's business."
Chakotay nodded and pulled her into his arms.
"Well, what should I do with her?" She asked.
"You could throw her in the brig," he chuckled. "At least that way you'd know what she's up to. In fact, we could use the extra room for us." He said, glancing around the room. "Why not permanently relocate her there. Well, at least until she's old enough for quarters of her own." He said in a perfectly serious tone of voice.
"That's not funny."
He reached out and lifted her chin up, so he could look into her eyes. "Yes, it is funny. You've just let her play you to the point that all your sense of humor is gone."
Janeway sighed. "I just don't know what to do. Why is she like this?"
Chakotay walked her over to the couch and pulled her down, into his lap. "Well, first of all, she's a teenager, and her hormones are in control of her brain a lot of the time. If you or I had that level of chemical imbalance on a regular basis, the Doctor would confine us for our own good, and that of the ship."
"Fine, so we put her in stasis until her body finishes puberty." Janeway said with a slight smile.
"Now you're thinking clearly," he teased. "Seriously, she thinks we, and particularly you, didn't want her and that we'd be just as happy without her. It hurts her deeply."
"But that's not true!" Janeway exclaimed. "If she only knew everything I went through to have her, to keep her. How can she possible think that?"
"She's a teenager. Everything is larger than life - every issue a crisis. You said it yourself." He looked at her again. "Just let her figure it out for herself"
"That could take years," Janeway replied.
"Yes," he said slowly, "but fortunately, you've already recorded years of logs. We have all the logs from your time here on Voyager."
"What are you driving at? She's already read all unclassified ship's logs."
"Not the ship's logs, Kathryn. Your logs."
"Oh," she whispered.
An hour later, Janeway had completed a search of her logs and had them downloaded to Taya's console. She looked at Chakotay for reassurance. He smiled and nodded. She walked the short distance to Taya's door, and knocked.
"Taya?"
"What do you want now?" she answered.
"I want you to come out and talk to me for a minute."
"You mean, come out so you can yell at me some more! No thanks," came the petulant voice.
"Taya, I'm going to treat you like an adult, and like any other member of my crew," she said, placing her hands on her hips. "Come out and talk with me, or I'll throw you in the brig, and we'll have our conversation through the force field. It's up to you."
Chakotay winced, but he remained in his seat on the other side of the room.
"Fine," she yelled. The door slid open and Taya stomped across the room, and flopped herself into the chair by the table, that her mother indicated.
"Well, that's better. I have something for you to read, and after that, we can talk some more," she said, turning the console toward her. She keyed in an authorization code and excerpts from her personal logs over the years, displayed on the screen.
Taya was confused at first, thinking these were the ships logs, which she knew by heart. Her eyes widened as she realized what they were. "These are yours," she breathed.
"Yes, they're all my logs that talk about you." She said, quietly. "You don't believe what I've told you. Perhaps you'll listen to this." She nodded at Chakotay and headed for the door. "I'll be back when Alpha shift is over. We can talk more then. By honey."
Chakotay walked over and gave her a kiss on the top of her head. "I'm going to the holodeck to work out for a while. Call me if you need me for anything," and with that, he left their quarters as well.
Taya began to scroll through the logs, starting with the last entries from the Alpha quadrant. Some of the log entries were complete, and others seemed to be just the parts about her. She scrolled back up to the top, and began to read.
2371
Captain Kathryn Janeway, personal log. Mark just proposed, and I said yes. Well, I'm going down that road one more time, hopefully I'll get to the finish line this time. <She pauses.>
I can't help but think about the plans Justin and I had for a life together, children... growing old and grandchildren. I didn't know if I'd get second chance, but here it is. Mark wants a couple kids, and I'd like a couple --- does that mean we'll have four? <She laughs.> I think Mark will make a good father.
It's odd. This is the first time I've headed out into space and not been entirely happy to go. I wonder what other changes are in store for us? Computer, end log.
Captain Kathryn Janeway, personal log. Oh Mark, I wish I could talk to you. I'm stranded in the Delta Quadrant. I'm so far away from you and Mom and Molly. <She half sobs, half laughs.> I miss my dog. You wouldn't think that would make it onto the top of my list of things I miss, would you? Maybe it's my way of sublimating my desire for children.
Mark, I wish I could talk to you. I'm all alone. My ship doesn't even have a counselor, since we were only supposed to be gone for 3 weeks. Why couldn't this be a galaxy class ship, complete with counselors, dogs, and... family quarters? Mark, I'm afraid I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone. I don't want to die alone. Computer, end log.
2372
...Well, I finally got my wish... <She sighs. Her voice continues, but cracks as she speaks.> I now have three children. Tom and I have a family. There's just one small problem --- they're not human. Any they're on a planet that's now light-years behind us.
I keep wondering if the Doctor could have restored them to human form. He says it would be impossible, because they never had the human DNA to start with. Not like Tom, and me who's DNA was 'simply' mutated into another form of life. <She sighed again, and collapsed onto the couch.>
I believe the Doctor when he says it's impossible, but... I still wish we could try. I don't know where we'd put them, or how I could command a starship with them underfoot, but I know it would be worth the efforts and the hardship. <Another pause> I hope they're happy. Computer, end log.
...Sam Wildman went into labor earlier today. Up until now, I've been watching Sam's progress with envy, but now... Now I'm just afraid for her. That baby girl is all she has of her husband, and now she's going to lose that too. I don't know if I could survive if something like that happened to me. At least I don't really remember the incident with Tom. I'm not in love with him, and I didn't spend months anticipating my children's birth. Computer, end log.
Captain Kathryn Janeway, personal log. I tell myself I should be happy to be back on Voyager, but I'm not. I feel like I've been thrown out of paradise. Chakotay is barely speaking to me. I don't know if he's angry or just trying to help me keep up the professional facade.
I found the designs he made for the boat today. Folded up, inside the papers, there were plans for a cradle, and a tiny bed. <Janeway sniffs and a tear hits the console.> How can I ever explain to him that that's what I wanted to. I would have given up the ship and stayed with him, and our family, on the planet. I would have, if he had only asked....
Q! What an arrogant, self-serving, idiot he can be! And the worst part is... The worst part is, that his offer was appealing. I do want to have children. Would it have been so bad to have a child that is half Q? <She sets her coffee down, and rubs her temples, to fend off the headache that is threatening.>
The problem isn't that the baby would be part Q. The problem is, he or she wouldn't be part Chakotay....
Taya scrolled though more logs, listening to her talk about the hardships Sam and Naomi endured on the barren planet, when the Kazon stranded the crew. How she had cut off her own hair to start a fire for them.
She listened to her mother talk about the time she found out that Mark had married, and her grief and simultaneous relief that that part of her life was over.
Janeway privately grieved with Seven when One had died. Again, she wondered how it would be possible to go on when a child had died. "But," she concluded, "I would rather have a child and take that chance, then to never have known what it was like to bring another life into the world."
2376
Captain Kathryn Janeway, personal log. Tomorrow, I will fly over to the Borg and be assimilated. I haven't had a chance to tell Chakotay everything...
In addition to those regrets, I regret never having a child. I know I would be horribly torn now, if I had a child. Choosing to leave them alone, and attack the collective, but at least I would know there was something of me in the world. All the protocols and regulations don't seem nearly as important now, as they once did. If I get out of this, I'm not letting anything stop me. Not anymore....
Captain Kathryn Janeway, personal log. I married Tom and B'Elanna today, and I should be happy for them. I am happy. But I'm no closer to my goals than I was when I infiltrated the Borg. What's happened to my resolve? I'm not getting any younger. I know, the Doctor says I can still have children for several years, but at this rate, I'll be in my 80's. <She sighs.> Computer, end log.
...and to top it all off, B'Elanna is pregnant. I'm so happy for her, and so jealous. I'm tempted to take Chakotay in a shuttle and crash it on the next class M planet we encounter. Do you think the Doc would look the other way if I had him neutralize Chakotay's boosters? ...
... and that wasn't all he did. If I ever said I would have considered having Q's child, I retract it. Q Junior is an unruly brat, with all the power of a Q. At least when Chakotay and I start having children, we can ground them if they get out of hand. That reminds me, as soon as Q clears out; I need to get back to planning the ceremony and the honeymoon. Maybe if this all works out, I can get Q to keep things on the ship quiet for a couple of weeks, and Chakotay and I can lock the holodeck and just not come out....
Taya laughed as she read through the later entries of Q Junior, as he reformed and became Aunt Kathy's darling. He was present at the wedding some months later, and he did keep the ship out of any trouble so that Aunt Kathy could have an uninterrupted honeymoon. Mulling it over, Taya wondered if young Q had a hand in her birth. It did seem a bit of a coincidence that she was born only 40 weeks after her parents wedding. But it could just have been luck. She wondered if her mother had appealed to Q about that too.
She read through the logs, now almost daily mentioning her. First, the discovery of her pregnancy, then the doctor informing her she was having a girl, and later she talked at length about the sensations of feeling her baby girl move inside her. She cried as she listened to her mother describing all the things she wanted to do with her daughter, as soon as she was old enough. Taya remembered doing many of those things, picnics in the holodeck, flying in the shuttle together, sitting in her lap on the bridge and giving orders to Uncle Tom at the helm.
Captain Kathryn Janeway, personal log. Taya was born this morning. She's beautiful. I've been sitting here just counting her fingers and toes. They're perfect. I just want to sit and look at her. I've waited so long for you Taya. I hope we'll always be the best of friends. <She leans over and kisses the tiny head. Taya's tiny hand reaches out and Janeway takes it in hers, and sings a lullaby.>
Taya continued to read log entries detailing her early childhood. Her parents had logs of all the major events in her life. Her first words, first steps, and the first time she programmed the replicator by herself. She made chocolate milk, and spilled most of it on the floor on the way to the table, but they were still very proud of her.
Janeway also talked at length about the obstacles she had to overcome, raising a child on a starship, and being the captain. There were conflicts and problems. She doubted if she could go on away missions anymore, but after debating with herself, she resolved that it was no less dangerous floating in space on Voyager, than it was on most of her away missions.
Her schedule was another constant problem. Arranging for care for Taya and still running the ship. It was a constant struggle.
But inevitably, she would end each of these logs, with essentially the same message. Taya listened to it again, as Janeway finished her debate with herself over whether or not to allow Taya to go on shore leave with some of the other children to a local park. "..., but I wouldn't have it any other way. Without my Taya, I would be empty inside. No matter how hard it is some days, it would be impossible without her. I love you Taya. Computer, end log."
The screen went blank, as Taya came to the end of the last log file. She sat for the next half hour, curled up on the couch, with tears streaming down her face. She had always believed that her mother resented her, and that she was just a burden to her parents. She crept over to the console and replayed some of the logs. No, it was still there, just as she remembered it. For the first time, since she was a little girl, the ache in her heart had stopped, and she felt peace.
An idea occurred to her. Wiping her eyes, she walked over to the replicator and began programming it for dinner. Moving around their quarters quickly, she straightened up, and laid out the table for dinner. She found her mother's favorite candleholders, and a vase for some fresh flowers she would get from the airponics bay.
She dashed out of their quarters, collected the flowers, and a few other things she needed for the evening.
Returning to her quarters, she put the flowers in the vase, and gave the order, "Computer, alert me when my mom and dad enter this deck."
A few minutes later, the computer informed her they were on deck three, and headed towards home. She quickly lighted the candles, and looked around one last time.
She was sitting in the large cushioned chair by the view port when her parents returned from their shift on the bridge. They didn't see her at first. In the subdued lighting, their eyes were drawn to the candles, and then to the table she had prepared. "I figured you'd be hungry after a long day on the bridge," she said, startling them out of their reverie.
They turned and looked at her, as she approached them slowly. Kathryn held out her arms to her, and Taya dashed forward and hugged her mom. Kathryn wrapped her arms around Taya, and rocked her gently, with tears forming in her eyes. After a moment Chakotay joined them. "So, now do you believe me?" Kathryn asked.
"Yes, I think I understand a little better now," Taya answered, with tears in her eyes again.
"Well, we had better eat, or you'll both have me crying too," Chakotay said, as he squeezed them both and then let go.
The mother and daughter hugged again. "Never doubt that we both love you, sweetheart."
"I won't mom, and I love you too."
THE END
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